Men like taking pictures of their feet.
Dear God,
Are you there? It’s me, P. Charlotte.
I’m just wondering… Why do men like to post pictures of their feet on Tinder?
Don’t they know their feet are gross? That they don’t have the pretty, little pedicured feet of us gals – with our flowered toes and sparkle polish, all buffed and lotioned and massaged to the softness of my baby’s bottom?
Why don’t men understand that their big toes are huge – too round or too long for the rest of their toes? We never know what he will do with that massive digit. Where he could put it. Where it might land. We don’t know the big toe’s intentions – and it frightens us.
And the nails. THE NAILS! Long, thick, and yellow – black gack in the corners. Just sitting there, out in the open, for the entire world to see. Have they no shame?
Can’t men see those big, bulging bones on the either side of their feet (the ones us ladies endure horrific surgeries to remove) causing their toes to shoot out at all angles? Making their dogs look like they have been mangled in an ancient, Far East torture ritual?
Why don’t they get that once we see the feet, they become the elephant in the room; a horrible car accident. We don’t want to look, but we can’t look away. We aren’t listening to what they are saying; we are too busy trying to avoid looking at the feet! And worrying that those feet may touch our bodies.
Or worse, they may ask us to rub them!
Why don’t men understand that us gals would rather see any other part of their body sans clothing – anything other than their feet? It’s totally okay to leave the socks on!
Please, God. I am so confused. I just don’t understand.
Sincerely,
Charlotte Lindsay
*********
Dear Charlotte,
I feel you, sister.
I know I’ve done a lot of magnificent things, you being at the top of the list : ) – but I really screwed up when creating men’s feet.
Though I can explain why the male species feel the need to post photos of their feet on Tinder:
You see, my beautiful child, no longer can man woo his mate with hand-made tools, the size of his club, or the number of skins from his daily kills. On Tinder, man must woo his mate with only the remedial tools of a blurb and photos.
And in doing so, man wants to present himself as being fun and easy going. As having a lifestyle that would attract a female, and ultimately get him laid. I believe you humans call this male, “chill.”
The male species generally presents photos of his feet “chilling on the beach,” “chilling on my patio at sunset,” “chilling on my boat,” etc… Often times, the male species will include a glass of red wine or beer in said photo. This is assumed to increase the “chill effect.”
The female species, especially the single moms with children, are so overwrought and exhausted that they react not to the mangled feet with the big toes, but to the idea of “chilling,” ergo, swiping right in spite of the toes.
I hope this helps you understand this challenging phenomenon, my sweet angel.
Go with Me.
(A little God humor. Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
Yours truly,
G.
