Love in the Middle Ages

THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE NOW

(a/k/a Dating in the 21st Century)

Way back in the olden days, before Tinder, online dating, the Internet, texting, cell phones, and even My Space, courtship was somewhat uncomplicated:

LATE 20TH CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:

A. On any given Saturday night, gal would go out with friends, spot dude, bat eyelashes, meet said dude.

B. Gal and dude would go on date… then several more.

C. Dude would give gal a piece of jewelry. Girl would flash jewelry at seething single friends, explaining she and dude were exclusive (a/k/a going steady).

D. Weekly date nights, and daily phone calls ensue.

E. Three months later there would be sex.

NOTE:  Gal would share sex info only with closest friends, not wanting to be viewed as “slut.”  Meanwhile dude secretly sleeps with sluts as gal would only do missionary.

F. Four months later, there would be an engagement.

G. Six tortuous months later (after friends suffer bridal showers, bachelorette parties, gift registration, honeymoon planning, and non-stop blabbering about the fucking wedding) there would be an actual fucking wedding.

H. Kids.

I. Fifteen years later, half of couples divorce.  Gal moves into apartment with kids, gets job at Albertsons, sells wedding ring for trip to Club Med.

Guy remarries much younger chick, starts second litter.

*****

Easy! Nine steps to matrimony, and a fifty-percent chance of happily ever after.

In the 21st Century, with the advent of on-line dating and the morning after pill, romance is a whole new ball of lint.  No longer must a girl needlessly attend boring sporting events, hang out at bars sucking down calories and throwing down cash. Gone are the days of going to the gym, libraries, art museums and jazz concerts in the park to meet men.  Jogging, hiking, learning to golf – a thing of the past!

Now all a girl has to do to meet the dude of her dreams is to sit on her lazy ass in front of a Law & Order repeat with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a cell phone. Thanks to Tinder and its online cousins, there’s a whole new template for modern romance:

21ST CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:

A.   On any given Saturday night, gal flops on couch in sweats and stained Hello Kitty T-shirt, mindlessly swipes Tinder.

B.   Gal aimlessly “Likes” every dude within realm of possibility.  Considers getting drunk and/or not wearing glasses as viable option to lowering standards so she can collect more “Likes.”

C.   Gal gets a “Match!”

D.   Gal and dude proceed with standard Tinder text protocol: “Hi.” “What’s up?” “How’s your night?” etc… (NOTE: Gal lies about her night.)

E.   From two days to two weeks gal and dude play Tinder text ping-pong. (Duration dependant on number of Tinder chicks dude is juggling at the time.)

F.   Graduate to real texting on real cell phones.

(NOTE: Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends  – gal eats Skinny Cow)

G.   Three days later, gal and dude talk on phone, hear actual respective voices, are disappointed by sound of respective voices but continue nonetheless.

(NOTE: At no time does anyone acknowledge dick pic or sexting.)

H.   Two nights following, first in-person date: Drinks, hug, peck goodnight.

(NOTE: Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

I.   Subsequent texting with every other day contact.

J.   Gal obsessively tracks dude via Tinder GPS feature.  “SHIT! He said he was visiting his mom in Barstow.  Asshole!!!”

K.   Gal proceeds to “manic text” girlfriends.

L.   Gal and dude have second date:  Make out in car, on sand, or golf course depending on city and public ordinances.

(NOTE: Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

M.   Gal and dude engage in one week of daily texting, replete with sexual innuendo,  “Good morning!” and “Good night!” messages, including lips, tongue, and heart emoticons.

N.   DATE NUMBER THREE (a/k/a “Sex Date”) Couple engages in sexual relations.

(NOTE: Possible dude climax – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

O.   Gal continues to Tinder stalk, dismayed by dude’s continued Tinder lying – even after getting balls-deep with her.  Gal’s imagination runs wild.

P.   Gal gets tested for STD.

NOTE: If you are 23% of the population, and scenario “P” does not occur, the following will transpire:

Q.   Gal and dude mutually decide to GO OFF TINDER.  Engage in Going Off Tinder Ritual (G.O.T.):

Going Off Tinder Ritual  (gōiNG | ôf | ˈtindər | ˈriCHo͞oəl)
noun

•modern homosapien mating custom, generally performed in romantic setting, accompanied by alcoholic beverage, wherein               male and female exchange cellular devices and simultaneously “delete” the other’s Tinder account. Ritual is generally followed by a kiss and stupendous sex.

•modern equivalent of “getting a piece of jewelry” once practiced
amongst homosapiens in pre-21st century era.

R.   Gal calls mother and all known friends; changes relationship status on Facebook to “In A Relationship”; Tweets, Instagrams, and utilizes all existing forms of technology to publicize her completion of the G.O.T ritual.  Experiences 24 hours of fanatical joy.

S.   Dude goes home, freaks out.

T.   Dude breaks up with gal, goes back on Tinder.  Gal eats Skinny Cow, goes back on Tinder.

NOTE:  If you are 11.5% of the population, and scenario “T” does not occur, the following will transpire:

U.   Six months later there is an engagement.

V.   Six tortuous months follow wherein friends suffer through bridal showers, bachelorette parties, gift registration, honeymoons, and non-stop talk about the fucking wedding.

W.  Dude observes friends Tindering.  Dude remembers single life freedom.  Onset of “Jessica Alba Syndrome.” (terminal condition in which male, replete with romantic fantasy balloon, believes he can actually score with Jessica Alba … because he scored with YOU)

X.   Dude ends relationship.  Gal eats Skinny Cow.

NOTE: If you are 2% of the population, and scenario “X” does not occur, the following will transpire:

Y.  There is an actual fucking wedding.

Z.  Kids.

NOTE: Fifteen years later, half of couples will divorce.

Dude remarries younger chick and starts second litter.  Gal gets apartment with kids, gets job at Albertsons, sells ring to pay for Club Med trip.

Gal goes on Bumble.

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