The Broken Heart Diet

You Are Entering The Bowels of Hell…

Beautiful P. Charlotte with gooey cheese and shriveled cheesy pumkin in spooky graveyard background

Aka the holiday season.  And along with this most glorious time of the year comes endless binge eating, too much drinking, and if you’re lucky – a bit of fucking. Nevertheless, with the fucking (especially if it’s with a middle-aged, recently divorced man), comes the inevitable heartbreak.  Because men at the holidays tend to be at their worst – most likely from too much sugar – like our five-year-olds. 

Assuming you don’t happen to get laid (as in, you are like most of us… or you are married), you have your own, inevitable aching heart due to the fact that you really really really want someone to be the Jim to your Pam on Halloween.  (And if you are one of those “I don’t care.  I’m happy on my own” ladies, COME ON!  You’ve got to admit that deep, deep, deep down, you kinda want someone to kiss at midnight.)

So, let’s get organized and line up some high in carbs, calories, fat, sugar, and butter yummies to sooth your sads.  Because NOTHING beats the holiday blues more than some hearty gorging and a night of Netflix.

“Swiss Pumpkin” is a high-brow name for a low-brow, hearty binge on a rainy night; when you want to get cozy with your cat and your bottle of Kettle One.  I discovered this recipe while reading one of my favorite books, “Comfort Me With Apples,” by Ruth Reichl.  And since I haven’t had a holiday mate since my divorce in 200 BC, I’ve gotten a lot of comfort from many a Swiss Pumpkin – year after year after year.

NOTE:  This is also extremely impressive if you are entertaining guests. Don’t tell them that it’s easy enough for a monkey to make… or maybe even a man!


1 eating pumpkin (around 4 ¼ pounds) 1 small baguette, cut into ¼” slices and toasted (or whatever inch slices, or croutons), ¼ pound Gruyère cheese, grated, 1 ¼ c. half-and-half, 2 large eggs, 1 1/2 t. kosher salt, 1 t. black pepper, ¼ t. nutmeg

  • Preheat oven to 350°
  • Cut off the top of the pumpkin and scoop out the seeds and the string (not the meat).
  • Inside the pumpkin, make three layers of toast and cheese, alternating.
  • Whisk together the other ingredients, and slowly pour into the pumpkin.
  • Replace the lid and place the pumpkin in a baking dish.
  • Bake in the middle of the oven until the meat is tender, and the skin puckers.
  • It will get big and bubbly, and sometimes cheese oozes over the pumpkin’s edges.
  • Get super excited.
  • Take it out of the oven.
  • Scoop out the cheese mixture with a big piece of pumpkin and serve.
  • Binge and gorge.

Note:  For added enjoyment, draw a picture of your ex-douchebag’s face on the outside of the pumpkin so you can watch it shrivel and burn, and then stab it with your fork when it’s time to eat.  Good times!

Bon Appetite.  Boo!

Beautifully cooked Swiss pumpkin with top of pumpkin pushing out and cheese melting over sides.

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