When men want to get laid, they are limited creatively.
When swiping (a/k/a “Tindering”), if you come across the photo of a man who piques your interest (as in you would mate with him if living in the jungle after your plane crashed and the survivors have been reduced to a clan of animalistic beings), then you tap on his photo.
This will bring up his “profile,” which is a tiny pitch he’s composed about who he is, along with a series of photos he’s selected in order to woo you. If you like what you see you tap on the heart, (or right swipe) if you don’t like what you see, you tap the “X” (or left swipe) and move on. If you are daring or impatient (aka desperate) you can bypass this vetting stage right swipe everyone. But some of us gals are prude and require a few photos and some info before we say yes.
The profile scenario brings out the full creativity of the male species. Men are personally challenged to attract you based solely on two tools: their photo choices, and their words (aka their blurb).
Men tend to fail miserably on both accounts.
Based on my extensive research of the male Tinder genus in the wild, I have deduced there are essentially three species of Tinder males:
NO. 1 – JOHN WAYNE
John Wayne is the Quiet Man. He does not mince words. In fact, he doesn’t know how to spell a lot of words. NOTE: If they can’t be bothered to spell-check their blurb, they sure as hell aren’t going to bring you flowers on your birthday.
He’s on Tinder for one thing and one thing only, and it rhymes with “splintercourse.”
He is confident. And if he isn’t, he fakes it by acting as if he is doing you a favor by selecting you.
His profile shots often include:
– pictures of his muscles and tattoos
– sitting on a motorcycle
– jumping out of an airplane
– standing by expensive cars or muscle cars with big tires
– And if he is a dad pretending to be a John Wayne, a shot of him zip-lining
NOTE: Zip lining the safest way for a dad to feel like a John Wayne, but without the risk. Plus they give you a free photo with the zip line package.
He often does not wear a shirt. He likes facial hair – or no hair at all – anywhere. He’s good at taking selfies, and you can count on him talking about himself all night if he grants you an audience.
His mating blurbs tend to include the following:
– “Hey there gorgeous!” (NOTE: “their” and “there” are challenging for JW)
– “Just want a hook up”
– “Not interested in a relationship”
– “Lets have some fun”
– “Nine inches of love”
NO. 2 – RYAN REYNOLDS (or TOM HANKS depending on your age)
Ryan (or Tom) takes great care with his profile and wants to make you laugh. He really hopes you swipe right… because he really wants to get laid. He works hard at being clever, funny, and sensitive in his presentation so that you think he will “get you” once you connect. He also wants you to know he has a romantic side and can cook. (He will for sure bring you flowers on your birthday, and any other holiday, and he will call or text you several times a day, and use emoticons.)
His profile shots include:
– photos of him frolicking on the beach with his kids
– goofing with friends
– barbecuing (wearing funny apron), or showing off his casserole
– the nose and glasses/silly hat/or thumbs up shot
– cute puppies
He is not great at selfies because he is too busy acting goofy, playing with his kids, and cooking. He does not understand that acting like a chick will not get him a chick!
His mating blurbs will most likely include the following:
– “Not interested in a hook up”
– “Looking for a connection or soul mate”
– “Laughter is key”
– “Friendship first”
– “Love to cuddle”
NO. 3 – ee cummings
ee writes his profile as a poetic statement because he thinks women dig poetry, and that it will get him laid. He fancies himself an intellectual, and thinks us gals are hopeless romantics and ignorant enough to fall for a dude who can write a haiku – not realizing that our eleven-year-old sons are writing haikus in their fifth grade English classes.
Not to mention, none of us ladies have the time to decipher your fucking poetry. Because we are too busy working, raising kids, trying to lose those last thirty pounds, painting the house, volunteering at school, and waxing our asses because we hear that’s what you men like nowadays. Bottom line – we are horny and we are exhausted.
His profile shots include:
– photos of African masks
– working with orphans
– his art projects
– handshake photos with Jimmy Carter or George Clooney
– travels abroad
He is not afraid of text talk, alliteration, and anastrophe – but assumes we don’t know what these words mean in the first place. We would be lucky just to whiff the magnificent scent of the hot air that escapes his butt crack.
An example ee cummings mating blurb is as follows:
lover of life.
dreamer of things to be.
ready for the next adventure?
And while you will find the rogue dude in the mix who doesn’t fit any of the three species of Tinder males, always keep in mind that they are all marked in one way or another by the same genetic material: John, Ryan/Tom or ee. It’s the amount and combination of DNA that determines the outcome.
Remember, you are the scientist. And you must continue your research, Ms. Darwin, in order to find your perfect finch.