Dicktionary

DICKTIONARY OF DATING TERMS

and “Tinderspeak”

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT make a date to “chill and watch Netflix” with any dude you meet on-line… unless you want to get laid.  And, yes, I was stupid enough to make this mistake – because when I started my Tinder journey, I had yet to master the new and obscure language that goes with it.  I was grateful just to have  the wherewithal to get the app on my phone.

But thanks to extensive research, and years of studies in the field, I’ve become proficient in the modern language of Tinder.  I may have forgotten my college French, but I can happily boast a fluency in on-line swipe-speak.

Therefore, for those still in Tindergarten, the following is a list of relevant terms and expressions for on-line dating so you can be in the loop, in the know… and know when to swipe on.

NOTE: Since this new language will most likely overtake any and all laguages currently spoken in our universe, and a new term is coined once every three seconds,  I will keep you updated…  I got your back sister!

143 –

• numerical sequence representing number of letters in each word of, “I love you.”
• term generally used by dudes when a chick jumps the gun and tells him she loves him after, like, the third date. “Had to bail on her. Chick went all 143 on me.”

aggro –

• abbreviation for “aggressive”
• adjective describing emotional action taken by a woman when another woman judges her for on-line dating.                                                                                                                                              “Amy went all aggro on Kelly because Kelly told her TInder was only for hook-ups.”

AF –

• Tindernym for “as fuck’” as in super-duper
• adjective for chick who is so fucking single that she goes on Tinder i.e., “She was single AF.” Or #singleaf

AP –

• Tindernym for “ass poopin’” as in super-fun
• term used by dudes to indicate super-fun when they are too stupid to know that anything to do with “ass” or “pooping” does not turn us gals on

ATM –

• Tindernym for “ass to mouth” (Sadly, it’s a thing)
• Tindernym screaming at you to SWIPE LEFT!

awky –

• abbreviation for “awkward”
• women’s description of how men dance

bae –

• slang for “babe” or “baby”
• Tindernym for Before All Else (awwww)
• slang used by dudes way too young for you

BBW –

• Tindernym for big, beautiful woman (BBBW – big, beautiful, black woman)

bencher –

• dude who texts you once in a while but never makes plans

BNO –

• Tindernym for “Boys Night Out.” Precious.

Body by Mattel –

• dude’s description of a chick whose body is more plastic than real

Bye Felicia –

• dismissive expression
• when someone says they’re leaving and nobody gives a shit, their name magically becomes “Felicia.” People roll their eyes, say “Whatevs…Bye Felicia,” then go back to whatever. Her real name is irrelevant – because nobody gives a shit.
“I’m outta here!”
“Bye Felicia.”
“Who’s Felicia?”

Bipolar disorder –

• also known as “bipolar affective disorder” and “manic-depressive illness,” – a very real and serious mental disorder characterized by periods of elevated mood and periods of depression
• a condition suffered by 100% of ex-wives and ex-girlfriends of men on Tinder, and according to said men, the reason for the break-up

calling card –

• super important first profile picture. (Also referred to as “primary photo”)
• most important decision you will ever make in your life

camboy –

• male “model” who seduces you with bullshit texts and photos, then surprises you with footage of him masturbating, thinking this will compel you to pay for his “sexual services.” Generally for his own perv thrill, but often successful in solicitation of money (NOTE: If you succumb to this, I will hunt you down and make you eat sardines. You are beautiful and you don’t need a camboy.)
• service no single mom should utilize because her kids might walk in

CFM –

• Tindernym for “Come Fuck Me”
• male request for woman’s appearance in text photos. Generally, a specific desire for stiletto heels by assholes who think this request will turn us on, without regard to the fact that they hurt our feet and make us not want to fuck you
Him, “Send me a picture of you in CFM pumps”
You, “Fuck off!”

chill and watch Netflix –

• code for sex

collector –

• dude who swipes right on every chick so he can rack up as many Tinder girlfriends as possible then brag to his dude friends about his numbers

creeper –

• dude who connects with women on Tinder with no intention of going out with them because he is a freak and unable to have face-to-face interactions with women

cruiser –

• dude who had a girlfriend but creeper-Tinders anyway to rack up matches because he is a douchebag with a small dick

D-bag –

• slang for “douchebag”
• dude who is a total shit-wanker; ironically applies to any dude who uses the term “D-bag”

D&D free –

• drug and disease free
• what’s the world coming to?

duck face –

• only way chicks know how to smile anymore. (Ladies, enough of the lip-filler. You are beautiful.  You don’t need it.  You are role models for your daughters.)

EMFP –

• acronym used in publications of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to refer to one of 16 personality types (extraversion, intuition, feeling, perception)
• acronym used by dudes to test if you are intelligent by knowing what “ENFP” means. Please note, I had to Google ENFP

F2F –

• Tindernym for “face to face”

fingermouthing –

• pornish-sounding infinitive verb referring to the act of posing with duck face while incorporating finger on or around the lip rim

fish gape –

• selfie pose with mouth slightly open, eyes staring at camera, looking like a fish
• ridiculous selfie pose used by women who think it will make a dude hot for them. It doesn’t. Ergo male-invented term “fish gape.”

420 Friendly –

• person who likes to smoke pot

FWB –

• Tindernym for “friends with benefits”
• when a dude wants to sleep with you on his terms, no strings attached, because you are just “friends,” and you do it because you think you are cool and hip and evolved and can “just have sex” without getting hurt
• something chicks agree to when they are totally lying to themselves

freakout –

• when you accidentally swipe right on someone you totally do not want, and you match
• when you find out from girlfriend that she’s already Tinder-dated the dude you are going out with tonight, and he likes golden showers

golden showers –

• when a dude pees on you
• dude with serious intimacy issues

get some strange –

• when dude in a relationship longer than three months engages in sexual intercourse with someone other than his girlfriend
• practice utilized by shitbags and my ex

ghosting (a/k/a slow fade) –

• when a dude does not want to see you anymore (or wants to keep you as a backup plan) and gradually stops responding to your texts
• strategy employed by cowards and d-bags

GMTA –

• Tindernym for “Great minds think alike”
• exclamation when man and woman text the same thing at the same time. Generally causes sense of jubilation, especially in females who also experience a conviction that it is “meant to be”

healthy lifestyle –

• code for sober

hand congress –

• dude’s hand is called into session when Tinder doesn’t work

HENRY –

• Tindernym for “High Earner, Not Rich Yet”
• Tindernym for dude who needs to get over himself

hot dog legs –

• female equivalent of male “feet photo”
• when chick posts POV photo of her thighs, with legs bent at knees, before a stunning background (beach, pool, deck of mountain cabin), ergo giving impression she is “chill,” “easy going” and “outdoorsy.” Chick believes legs look sexy from said perspective because cellulite is hidden – but dude thinks legs look like hot dogs (which they do – Google it) and are getting a good laugh.

into clean living –

• code for sober

LTR –

• Tindernym for “lifetime romance”
• term used by dudes in profile blurb when they want to get laid because they think chicks are hopeless romantics and naïve suckers. Little do they know.

lurker –

• dude who does not swipe right or interact with Tinder chicks in any way, shape or form, but Tinders solely to look at women, most likely yanking it while doing so.

MBA –

• “married but available” Run, don’t walk!

mossy knolls –

• small rounded hill or mound, overgrown with or abounding in moss
• chick’s hairy bush covering her mons pubis

narcissist –

• person suffering from “narcissistic personality disorder,” wherein person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, and mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing others
• 100% of ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends of women on Tinder

no drama –

• catch-phrase used by dudes in profile blurbs indicating they seek women who will not cause drama in their fabulous, cool, chill lives – like their “bi-polar” ex’s – because, you know, us gals love drama
• catchphrase indicating dude is total douche

opening gambit –

• opening line dudes use to initiate contact (i.e., “Hey” “Wazzup” “Morning beautiful” or any series of up-beat cutesy emoticons)

PTDPD –

• Tindernym for Post Traumatic Dick Pic Disorder
• form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), caused by receiving unexpected, unwanted photo of man’s penis via cellular device; trauma generally lasting one hour to one day depending on availability of friends for sharing and texting
NOTE: Condition exacerbated by penis and scrotum that have been shaved

pussbone –

• word-smush of “pelvic bone” and “pussy”
• area of woman’s nether-regions that becomes sore after too much dry humping

Generally occuring when single mom leaves offspring with sitter and Tinder-date does not have actual abode in which to perform actual humpage (i.e., living with roommates or in his car) so couple is forced to roll around on urine-stained grass in public park, or on sand at beach

Also occurs when Tinder-date is married and believes dry humping doesn’t count as cheating (It does)

pussy gotta go home! –

• when dude wants to rid himself of chick who has overstayed her welcome, or is displaying stalker-like behavior

put your clam on lockdown –

• act of putting your va-jayjay in a time out because you have been screwing dudes indiscriminately, creating low self-esteem, or STDs

RBF –

• Tindernym for “Resting Bitch Face” i.e., Kristen Stewart, Rose Byrne, Rose McGowan, Kanye West   (Rose McGown – I really dig you and think you are very funny and pretty which totally makes up for your RBF.)

SAF –

• Tindernym for “Single as Fuck” (see AF: as fuck)
• condition resulting in massive martini drinking, Netflix binge watching, copius Ben & Jerry’s consumption, and cats
• reason you are on Tinder in the first place

stalker –

• chick who obsessively follows Tinder dude via Tinder GPS feature, as well as Facebook, Twitter, IG and if under forty, Snapchat

stringer –

• Tinder dude who goes out with you three times, screws you twice, then stays in long-term text contact while he pursues other women, just in case – ergo, stringing you along

the text –

• message delivered by cellular device wherein dude informs girl he can no longer see her for vaious unstated or ambiguous reasons, thanks said girl for time together, and wishes her good luck

thirst trap –

• photo posted by female clearly intended to cause stiffy in male, accompanied by comment implying ignorance of seductive powers
i.e., chick posts picture wearing translucent negligee with caption, “Don’t you just love my new PJ’s?”

tiger photo –

• phenomenon wherein dude gets in close proximity to a tiger – yes, TIGER – in order to take a photo with said tiger, so that he can post on Tinder. Dude does this because, as always, he thinks it will get him laid
• stupid way for male to compensate for small penis because he thinks photo of him cozying up to unpredictable, man-eating pussy will get him a little pussy

Tindernym –

• any common acronym used on Tinder that becomes part of the American vernacular

tinder tactic –

• text exchange between man and woman wherein both want to get laid, but don’t have the cojones to say it, so they dance around the issue like a couple of goofballs
Her, “So bummed. Was in the shower tonight and realized there was no soap.”
Him, “Too bad I wasn’t there to help out“
Her, “lol”
Him, “It would have been my pleasure.”
Her, “Ahhh… and mine as well, I’m sure.”
Continue ad infinitum.

Ttyl, ttyl, ttfn –

• Tindernyms for “talk to you later,” “talk to you tomorrow” “ta-ta for now,” etc…
• Tindernyms used by dude who is not into you and politely trying to get away from you

YOLO –

• outdated acronym for, “You only live once,” generally used by dudes stuck in the wrong decade, or thirteen-year-old girls pretending to be dudes

NOTE: THE GLOSSARY OF ON-LINE DATING TERMS GROWS ENDLESSLY ON A DAILY BASIS AND WILL BE EXPANDED AD INFINITUM