(Blame it on Covid)
NC-17
Let’s face it. We are in the midst of a pandemic and it doesn’t appear to be going anywhere soon. We are lonely… and some of us horny. So, what’s a girl to do? Why swipe of course!
Currently, my weapon of choice is Bumble. I gave it a shot last month and happily discovered a wealth of men facing the same conundrum… hell, I found a goldmine. Since then, this ol’ gal has been having a grand time. This gal even met someone. In fact, this old gal had sex. (Yes, it involved masks, hand washing, copious amounts of anti-bacterial, and a Covid test. And, frankly, the sex wasn’t worth it. But that’s a story for another time.)
Yet along with quarantine, comes boredom. And we all know what pairs best with boredom…. vodka! So, before I send you off into a world of pandemic passion, heed my warning: Booze and Bumble don’t mix.
We’ve all heard the stories. It’s for sure a “thing. And let’s face it – most of us have at some point done it (kids asleep, empty bottle of Chardonnay on the bedside table, etc.). Drunk Tindering is the modern-day barometer of how low we can go – immortalized on an electronic device for shame eternal.
Drunk Tindering can only lead to three things:
- 1. A collection of dates with bottom-feeders and catfishing teenage boys.
- 2. Sexting with strangers.
- 3. Sexting with a collection of bottom-feeders, strangers, and catfishing teenage boys.
Our standards magically lower after martini number three, and the douchebag who’d normally be a massive swipe left, miraculously morphs into your dream man… the answer to all your problems… your Prince Charming!
If you are a shy Tinderella, as I once was, terrified to respond to match-messages; if you are new to online dating, as I once was, afraid of online because of its “hook-up” reputation; if you are recently divorced or new to online dating, as I once was… “drunk” could be the antidote to loosening the chastity belt, or at least loosening some of your inhibitions.
Don’t do it.
Current studies indicate “likes” peak between midnight and 4:00 AM and the number of sex messages and dick pics almost double. The middle of the night on-line scene is pretty much the same as the middle of the night bar scene – everyone is drunk and horny. Drunk Tindering is the proverbial last call – except you’re in the comfort of your own home.
Late hours accompanied by a solid buzz magnify that empty spot next to you in bed – the spot where you think there should be a man, but instead, there is a cat, asleep atop a mint chocolate chip ice cream stain. This scenario can create despair… ergo, sexual arousal. And whaddaya know – there’s your phone on the bedside table… next to that empty bottle of Chardonnay. Why not give it a try? What could possibly go wrong? Hell, the dude on the other end of your cell phone can’t see you. He doesn’t know you aren’t Jessica Alba’s with flowers in your hair, on your tits, and draped across your 21-year-old vagina. He doesn’t know your vagina is actually 51. He knows nothing of the face-mask, shower cap and muffin top. He knows nothing of the cat.
So, after you “match” and he says, “Hey,” then you say, “Hey.” Then he says, “What are you wearing?” Then you say, “flowers in my hair, on my tits, and draped across my vagina.”
You’re off to the races!
Don’t do it! Girlfriends – this is what sex toys are for. I know it’s not the same as a red-blooded penis (or as they say in drunk-text-speak: a “throbbing” cock) but neither is a cell phone screen. And frankly, any dude who’s throwing out “likes” and sex texts at four AM is probably a sleazy creeper, a loser perv… or little Justin across the street.
Your dignity is worth more than this. The horrifying sext strand you’ll discover the next morning is not. Therefore, I encourage you to memorize the following list of the sexting lead-ins. If one of these phrases arrives, know that if you don’t turn off your phone – and fast – you’ll be facing a solid case of carpal tunnel, caused by the longest, grossest texting sessions imaginable:
TOP TEN LINES DUDES EMPLOY TO INITIATE SEXTING
(And how you should respond)
1. What are you wearing?
(Uh…. cotton pajamas.)
2. I saw your profile and was thinking about you in the shower today.
(I was thinking about my leg hair in the shower today.)
3. Wanna play?
(Uh… Play what?)
4. Your lips are so sexy in your profile photo. I want to see the other ones.
(Uh… What are you talking about?)
5. Wanna massage? Where do you want me to work my hands?
(On the dishes.)
6. I want to pour chocolate syrup all over your sexy body.
(Can you pour it directly into my mouth?)
7. I wish I was there because I really want to lick your pussy.
(Oh, Jeez.)
8. Cum suck me dry with that hot mouth of yours.
(Yuck!)
9. I’m so into you. I want to be in you.
(I wonder what happened on Young and the Restless today.)
10. I didn’t eat dinner tonight because there’s something else I want to eat.
(Oh, for fuck’s sake. Delete!)
Aside from the freak-fest of guys we “like” while inebriated, there is an upside to drunk sexting: We are girls. We can multi-task. Ergo, I’ve been able to pleasure many a dude while simultaneously watching The Daily Show. Once Mission is Accomplished, I feel somewhat satisfied, extremely jovial, and most importantly, have something to show my friends on Martini Friday.
The bad news is that it’s usually ONLY the dude who gets to pop that champagne. Because for many gals, pleasure is a two-handed job. And typing takes at least one. Hence, drunk Tindering gets really old really fast, leaving you hungover and sexually frustrated.
WARNING: As for Ambien Tindering, avoid it at all costs. Whatever I have said thus far, triple then multiply by ten. Do not Ambien Bumble, Tinder, Match, Instagram, Facebook, even Words with Friends, etc.
You will remember nothing and you will send a picture of your tits to your kid’s baseball coach or your neighbor’s husband who’s trolling in the middle of the night and discovers you are online… and on Ambien… because you will tell him… because you are on Ambien. But if you DO discover you have partaken in drunk or Ambien Tindering, immediately:
1. Delete and/or block the dudes you “liked” or sexted while in your “impaired state.”
2. Put your cell phone under your kids’ pillow when you go to bed tonight.
3. Move.
