Monthly Archives

August 2018

    Love in the Middle Ages

    HOW TO READ THE BACKGROUND OF A PROFILE PIC

    (aka Is He A Serial Killer?)

    Toilets, and hamsters, and guns! (Oh my!)
    We are girls. We notice things.
    They are dudes. They don’t.
    Which kind of gives us the upper hand.

    Reading a profile picture with the methodical care of a forensic scientist can save us buckets of wasted time, calories, useless drinking, and sometimes shame (upon learning the dude you introduced to your mom is a total freak and a completely inappropriate match for wonderful you).

    First of all…

    We’ve learned that by carefully reading a dude’s profile blurb, we can deduce which of the three species of Tinder male we are dealing with:  Vin Diesel, Jason Segel (Tom Hanks), or e.e. cummings.

    NOTE: Scientists have recently discovered the emergence of a fourth species of Tinder male known simply as, “Douchebag.” While there are “Douchebag Deniers” who purport Douchebags are merely urban legend or a hoax perpetrated by the government, most of us know these deniers are nuts and that Douchebags are, in fact, on the rise – exponentially producing an epic threat to the planet, second only to global warming.

    Secondly…

    We’ve mastered the ability to glean important personality information from a dude’s profile photos, ergo, eliminating wasted time on married men, dudes with commitment issues, and douchebags.

    Thirdly…

    By utilizing Tinder’s Golden Rule (add ten pounds, ten years, and take off three inches) we’ve established that with online dating, what you see is not always what you get.

    Therefore, I would like to introduce you to the exercise of carefully examining the background of a profile picture, because most of the time, what you do see is also what you will get.

    So when swiping and evaluating the photo of a potential match, also evaluate his surroundings – because wherever he is, he thinks it is okay.

    BACKGROUNDS TO BEWARE:

    Dirty apartments:

    Clothes are scattered on the floor, the bed is unmade, and containers of week-old Chinese food sit atop a TV with rabbit ear antenna.  You can only imagine what this place smells like.  And trust me, that is how it smells.  I’ve been there.

    Rabbit ear antenna:

    There is an old TV in the background.  On top sits a squat stand with two long, metal, chopstick-like poles that resemble rabbit ears.  Back in prehistoric times, this device was designed for receiving over-the-air broadcast – as in, not HBO or Netflix.  This means the dude does not have enough money to buy an actual modern or even twenty-year-old television.  He for sure doesn’t have HBO OR Netflix – so he is most likely living with his mother, is a shut-in himself, or lives in a bomb shelter in Crested Butte, Colorado, waiting for Armageddon.

    Bent mini-blinds:

    I know.  This seems like a minor thing.  But think it through: The last time you noticed bent mini-binds (specifically, the aluminum Levolor variety) was in your college boyfriend’s apartment, upon lifting your head from the floor after puking up the previous night’s box of red wine.

    In fact, that was the last time you saw mini-blinds at all.

    Electric cords everywhere:

    What I refer to here is the abundance of electric cords everywhere – the floor, the walls, the rabbit ear antenna. Why? What are they attached to?  What purpose do they serve?  And why didn’t he make any attempt to cover them up?  Can’t he stick them under a throw rug or behind a couch?  (NOTE: these cords are generally attached to extension cords and extra power outlets, which hold even more extension cords.)

    A guy who can’t even attempt to hide his electric cords is not going to be bothered to clean his ears, trim his nose hair, or leave the room when he farts.  If he doesn’t give a shit about something as easy as tidying electric cords, he sure as shit isn’t going to remember your birthday.  And he sure as shit will not give a shit about you.

    Hamster cages:

    A “Habitrail,” is a product produced by the Hagen Corporation, popular in the seventies, wherein a series of translucent plastic tubes and “rooms” are assembled in a creative, individualized fashion in order to contain small pets such as mice, hamsters, and gerbils.


    (That’s me, on the left)

    Metal cage or glass terrariums are in the same category as Habitrails.

    NOTE:  Glass terrariums mean boa constrictor to eat the mice.

    This dude has serious commitment issues.  A pet hamster is way worse than a cat or a bird.  And do you really want to date a guy with a hamster?  Because just know, if you do happen to fall in love, YOU will be the one cleaning the mess.  And cleaning sour hamster piss is not romantic.

    Guns and ammo… and archery and spears:

    If you are into this sort of thing, by all means swipe right.  If not, swipe left, hard and fast! His penchant for deadly weapons is part of the package.  If his armory is scattered on the floor or the bed, this indicates he could possibly be a mass murderer and definitely should not be around your kids.  If he has them on display, he is proud of them and wants you to know he has a gargantuan penis and can protect you when Armageddon hits.

    Sister, you cannot change him.

    Electric guitars:

    Unless he is a proven rock star or a working musician (and consider, if he were, he wouldn’t be on Tinder) any dude who has a room full of high school band toys is probably still rockin’ in the free world… on his mattress while in his underwear, in his bedroom, in his mother’s house.  (See above, “rabbit ear antenna.”)

    Bathroom selfies:

    Men’s favorite profile-photo setting is their bathroom as they like to stand in front of the mirror affecting what they believe to be their most studly pose, causing you to want to rip off your panties because you’ve never seen a body like his.  What they don’t realize is this scenario kind of freaks us out.  We imagine them looking at themselves, Rush, Pink Floyd or Ozzie Osbourne playing on the stereo, grunting, posing, and holding that little cell phone at just the right angle.

    What’s worse is the skank-covered sink, funky shower curtain, dirty towels, and feminine hygiene products we can spot in the background.  Oh, and the kids.  Let’s not forget the child in the corner of the shot – who is watching Daddy and wondering WTF?  (I once saw one with a baby on the floor.) If you don’t step away now, you may end up being the gal who gets to clean up this mess, including the child’s emotional damage.

    Public restrooms:

    This one is my personal favorites and another popular background screw-up dudes often make.

    Picture this:  It’s Friday night.  Dude is in a bar with dude friends who are all swiping, lining it up, hoping for that hook up.  But our dude isn’t on Tinder yet.

    So he goes into the bar bathroom to quickly snap some profile pics, get on Tinder, and get himself laid. Seriously, dudes? You don’t think we can see you are in a public pisser? There is a line of urinals or a public sink with a stack of paper towels or worse – a metal dispenser with toilet seat covers behind your head – we know you are sitting ON the toilet, smiling into your phone as you take a dump.  At this point, you are branding our brains with one and only one image… and it’s not of a long kiss goodnight.

    Learn from my mistakes.

    And swipe on!